FRIENDS AND HYGGE are connected.

I feel that HYGGE is related to TWO MAIN ISSUES

·        HOW THE DANES ENTERTAIN

 (see my previous blog on HYGGE AND DANISH ENTERTAINMENT)

And

·         THE CONNECTION BETWEEN FRIENDS AND HYGGE

American and Canadian friendship traditions.

There are huge social changes for Danish immigrants when they arrive on the American continent – either Canada, where I immigrated 1966 or to US where Bent immigrated 1992.

We and many other Danes found Canadian and American friendships have different dynamics than what we are used to “at home.

Bent often express that he is not and have never been a social person, but when he was younger and lived in Denmark,   he was the leader and entertainer of many social gathering in the church, so I am not sure if I “totally believe” that he is as he says: “not social”.

In Denmark Bent numerous of times was  “the main attraction -  being the MC, the accordion player, the promoter, the speaker, entertainer and planner and he always tried to make it HYGGELIGT.

Could it be the difference in “Danish socializing and  friendships and the connection between those friendships and HYGGE”?

Just a question.

RETRIEVING

I also have found myself, since I immigrated to another continent from Denmark, that – in spite of being a very social person who love people and life, that if I feel I don’t know people that much or “their lifestyles or their way of doing things, I act exactly like my husband.  I retrieve.

I will sit down, get totally quiet and “feel out of sorts”, not knowing what to do with myself and If everybody just keep moving around, children running here and there, people watching TV, or watching cell phones, laptops etc. walking in and out here and there. YES, then I feel “disconnected” from the “the rest of  group” and seem to just retrieve in to myself, to a point where my psychologist  son once told me: “You have a social phobia”.

WHAT IS A FRIEND TO THE DANES?

In a Danish mind, there is a huge difference in language and word of

·        “being an acquaintance”

·        “being a friend”.

·         

F. ex. Canadians and Americans will easily invite what they say 150 FRIENDS to their wedding.

You would NEVER hear that expression from a true, blue DANE, because they believe that it is SIMPLY not possible to have 150 friends.

The Danes believe that you might have 150 acquaintances, but YOUR FRIENDS could maybe be counted on one hand.

Again, some cultural differences.

When a Dane say to you that you are his or her FRIEND, they mean it. That means you are as good as equal to their “family members”.

It means you are no longer “just an acquaintance. You have moved “in to their heart and is totally trusted” and they are “totally open” to talk to you not just about “surface talk” about the weather, but about “real life issues and problems” that you both have in life and they are willing to “try to solve them together” without critique.

That is what makes the Danes have the ability to “go behind the surface”, because politeness does not always get behind the mask and many Danes feel that Canadians and Americans take great pride in “wearing an outside mask” and “not let others get “behind the mask” and that definitely does NOT create HYGGE because it feels like there is an unseen barrier.

To certain degree I can agree with the Canadians and Americans, after living here so many years.  We need to be as polite as we can and I can see some benefits in their customs of politeness and not always just blurt out words out of our mouth.

On the other hand, it might be healthier for Canadians and Americans “to show their true face more”.

There seems to be some pride in “don’t talk about your problems to other”.  They don’t need to hear your complaints.  Show a “happy face”, but one can’t wonder why more families and teens in Canada and United States are on “stress medication” and you hardly ever hear the same in Denmark nor Europe.

Could it be related to “that it is NOT nice” talk about your problems?

Could the Americans and Canadians learn and benefit from the Danish way of having friendships and how they socialize?

To just sit down and admit to your close friends” that  you ALSO have issues and problems in your life?

Danish friendship communication creates HYGGE.

The Danes in Canada and USA are often being labeled as “too forward” “too Blunt”.

I have personally had that label on me more than once.

We all know that old saying: “the other man’s grass is always greener”, but could it change the perception “that the other man’s grass is not always greener if there were more open blunt conversations with people like the Danes, who dare to “talk about things AS THEY ARE”?

Would the Americans and Canadians find out that “that in itself is a HUGE part of being willing to be vulnerable and that it brings closeness and therefore HYGGE?

I personally have found some amazing friends here in Utah, and I have found that Americans are “more open” than Canadians.  I believe it could be related to “the English influence” in Canada.

Some Canadians and American who are very open and honest have also themselves found that “they have not always been totally accepted in their own society because of their openness and bluntness”.

(Maybe they have a little Dane inside them. He.He.)

As I have told them a couple of times: “you are just too open and DANISH” and then of course there are some laughs, but it is that part of them I can relate to.

Sometimes if you can just sit down and talk and have HYGGE with your friends, you will   feel “more accepted” and know “that you are ok” and after that you don’t need  medication. Your friends will be their medication.

SO HOW ARE FRIENDSHIP AND HYGGE CONNECTED?

I believe that what I have tried to describe – from an old Danes perspective - 

 how  we socialize with our friends makes the difference in what we Danes call HYGGE and what people from other countries try to describe as HYGGE.

·         The ability for the Danes to take the time to “sit down” to feel intimacy with each other, and

·         The willingness to be open and have “blunt” conversations with real friends.

I believe HYGGE  is a TOTAL DANISH THING, and I am not so sure, after spending 51 years of my 80 years of life on the American continent, that the Canadians and Americans will ever really understand that it is something you can’t explain, but it is just a part of BEING A DANE,  but of course there is always hope.

Vibeke Lindhardt

vibekesonja.blogspot.com

7 June 2017

See also my blog on

HYGGE AND DANISH ENTERTAINMENT