BEING A HAPPIER ME  “ In Spite Of” -  From my 80 YEAR LIFE BOOK

HOW CAN WE BE HAPPY?

No matter what our circumstance is in a relationship, we can be happy or happier and therefore healthier.

Many times, the reason why we are not happy is because we either let someone control our thoughts and actions, or we control somebody’s thoughts.

The key is to work only with ourselves, and let other people be who they are.

Many relationships today are dysfunctional because of the breakdown of the “traditional family” in our society and children being raised in a single parent home or in a dysfunctional parent relationship.

A healthy parent relationship is where two people act like two mature, respectful individuals who respect each other and where one don’t want to control the other. It is more important that we learn to control of ourselves, without a desire to control others.

Learning to be happy can be like learning to jump over your own shadow.  It can be extremely difficult and takes a lot of willpower and determination, but it is worth it, because the result is peace and serenity – despite possible great difficulty on the home front or at work or the world.

It is like learning a new trade or reprogramming of a computer, because we are like computer that have been programmed as children. 80% of our programming was done before we were eight years old. 1.5% between 8-18, and only 5% of our programming as an adult. It is the 5% that we need to hang on to and then go in to the computer to find out “how we were programed as children – to re-program ourselves to a “healthier – happier me”.

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ARE SAFE RELATIONSHIPS

In a healthy relationship, you don’t have to change who you are and you don’t expect your partner, parents or children, or grandchildren to change who she/she/they are.

You can make compromises, but not at the expense of your value or belief system, or your safety or your wellbeing.

Healthy relationships do not accept nor tolerate abuse, neither from their partner, parents nor children., etc.

There is a difference between “turning the other cheek” and forgiveness and abuse.  Abuse is overstepping boundaries of your health.

Do whatever is necessary for your own safety and health.

BEING IN DEFENSE MODE

What makes some people always be in “defense mode” in their relationships?

If we are constantly misunderstood, put down and criticized in our relationships we develop either:

·         a very aggressive behavior or

·         a very “shut down” fear of people behavior.

From my experiences in life the “don’t rock the boat” group are more respected in society even though that group of often are the cause of the problems.  Most people sympathize with the “don’t rock the boat” people and can be very critical of their partners (or parents, or children). That causes more aggression in the person being blamed.

BE A CHANGEMAKER

We can make choices in each situation we have.

A healthy relationship does NOT CLICK YOUR BRAIN and make you feel you have lost control. You don’t have to respond to rude and abusive behavior from anybody, or maybe “lack of response” and caring.

We can learn to “watch” others be rude, misbehave or show lack of consideration and caring, without getting our own emotions involved in “their lack of behaving properly.”

THEIR BEHAVIOR IS NOT YOUR BEHVAIOR

It is “their behavior”.   It is “Not your behavior”, so don’t let it influence how you feel and what you do.

Let them “have a fit” or “act immature” or “be rude and inconsiderate” or “blame you for things you have not done” or “try to destroy your name” or “lie and tattle about you to their family members and friends”.

It does NOT have to change YOU and WHO YOU ARE what others do.

FORGIVENESS

One thing I have been extremely grateful for in my life is that I have been given the “gift of forgiveness” because there have been numerous of times in my life when I had to use that gift.

Forgiveness has helped me getting over many hurts, including “defaming of my name” which I feel is one the most hurtful things one can experience.  It is like the old story about throwing a pillow of feathers up in the air.  You cannot pick them up and put them back.

If it was not for the gift of forgiveness in my life, I don’t think I would have been able to remain as happy and optimistic about life as I have been able to be and still am.

Vibeke Lindhardt    4. April 2017